A Completely Novel Solution To The American Cubicle

How Chad Radlad developed the open office plan.

Photo by Alex Kotliarskyi on Unsplash

The following wisdom is from Chad’s About page:

Hey men and ladiezz!

It’s your homeboi Chad.

At 23 years old, I was so fed up with the 9–5 cubicle life that I quit my job after just 3 DAYS.

Yeah, that’s right. I quit my 9–5, moved back into my parent’s guest house, and bought a Macbook Air (the poor version) with my trust fund money so that I could address the Cube Farm crisis.

First of all, for my readers who HAVEN’T been abused by The Man, let me define the atrocity that we call the Cube Farm. You see, many centuries ago, when the Internet took off, a man named Henry T. Ford wanted to organize humans into small boxes called “cubicles” so he could prevent the spread of AIDS.

It’s now time that we acknowledge these “Cube Farms” for what they really are: Human CAGES (source: PETA).

Cubicles prevent social interaction, cause obesity, and are 1000x worse than smoking cigarettes. (Source: I smoke 3 packs a day, but my lung cancer was way worse when I worked in a cubicle).

In addition, most cubicles are grey, short, and literally tacky. And unlike college, you can’t customize the walls with JLo nudies and Jack Daniel posters. Everything has to be “work appropriate” (that’s another story.)

Due to this, cubicles strip humans of their identity, uniqueness, and distinctiveness. These words mean basically the same thing, but like Homo sapiens, they are all slightly different (see what I did there?).

Unfortunately, most people aren’t as smart and wealthy as I am, so I’ve dedicated my life to eliminating Cube Farms and human suffering for all.

After hours of research, testing, and blazing it 420 on my mom’s couch, I’ve finally found a solution to the Cube Farm crisis.

It is with great honor that I present to you…

The Open Office

It’s definitely not a lecture hall, but even if it was, we all secretly miss college anyway so who cares? Photo by Changbok Ko on Unsplash.

This radical, totally new way of sitting for extended periods of time is the perfect solution to the Cubicle Crisis. There’s no need for posters, thumbtacks, or meetings with the HR department over Tinder nudies. With an open office, humans are free to socialize, touch each other, and just be themselves!!

Thanks to my Dad’s super successful business that was passed down from his dad’s dad, I’ll be receiving a small loan of $1M to take my idea to the top.

Before you know it, you’ll all be right back in college!

You're welcome, plebs :D

~Chad